The Quiet Before A Storm

I’m slacking off again. I didn’t do my best. I found new distractions: manga, YouTube, stupid cool image editing apps. Back to square 1. I do this before a shit tone of deadlines approach. The quiet before the deadline hurricane. I get a surge of energy because there’s hope I can catch up, I start to work hard for a few hours maybe a day, then I feel relaxed a bit and take a break then proceed to procrastinate from there.

This is the story of my life. I feel depressed. Do I want to change? The world is not worth it. I need some time to come in terms with that. Let’s see if I really won’t make these deadlines. If I really am hopeless.


Can I Make It?

I am listening to focus music on spotify.. U137 – Varberg I find it relaxing and somewhat.. motivating… Me? Motivated? Wow..

I am so lazy. I procrastinate all the time. Right now I have a surge of energy. I get those every now and then. However, I am 3 weeks behind on school work. Can I actually catch up? I have deadlines that are catching up with me.

I’m only taking 3 classes this time. Last time I took 5.5 classes and dropped one then another. I was way more caught up with my work than I am this time around. I got B’s a C and an A which I didn’t work hard for, my partner did almost all the work 95% of it. He said he wouldn’t have made it with me but I think he was being nice.

My boyfriend left on Thursday to go back to his family and start seriously looking for a job as his parents can be a big motivation for him. I always told him and myself that once he leaves a big distraction will be removed and I’ll work much harder. But can I really? I need to change.

I can’t oversleep. I need to have a set schedule. I can’t skip classes. I need to study everyday and do all my school work. I don’t wanna have regrets anymore. I don’t want to think about all the time and money that I wasted anymore.

I seriously need to get my shit together. No more fooling around. Picking up the slack starting right now. Who knows maybe it is too late. But I don’t wanna live with regrets anymore. This music is really helping. I find that showers help as well. Studying at the library around people who are working hard helps. Making promises to meet with people to study helps since it forces me to study even if I don’t want to as I care about how people perceive me if I break promises or ditch them. Opening the blinds to let the sun light come into my room helps. Or writing posts like this. Forcing myself to do things or follow a rigid schedule without giving myself a chance to think about it helps.

If you’re depressed like me. Try noticing the patterns. What makes your day worse? What makes your day better? Even if by a little. Use these things to your advantage. Avoid the things that make your day worse. If you can’t avoid them then recognize that they make you feel crabby and then focus on the things that make you feel better.

Committing suicide is not bad, do it if you’ve honestly put an effort and can’t live anymore. Honestly, if you’ve put in an effort but things aren’t getting better and you also have the courage to take your life then do it. It’s okay. The world is not all the great anyway. It’s not worth the suffering you’re going through. But who knows what the future might hold so if you have yet to put in a full honest effort.. do it.

Can I make it? I don’t know. But for now I have the energy to try and maybe make it or kind of make it. So for now I’ll do what I can.


When it comes to porn, it’s mostly targeted towards a male audience. It’s kind of like going to a clothing store and having a shit tone of female clothes but that one small corner for male clothing; fashion is targeted towards mainly females. Moreover, girls can wear whatever from the guys’ section and still look okay. Similarly in porn guys can enjoy almost anything that’s pornographic.

Whenever I read manga or watch anime, hentai, or porn I always feel like there’s never anything that I find perfect or even just short of perfect (not to mention even half decent for my taste). It needs to have a bit of shoujo without cliches. I want some story development. I’m not a fucking maniac obsessed about lust and my sexual parts only. I need some stimulation for my brain and heart too. It also needs a good chunk of hentai without harem. Why is it that mangaka’s of porn are never super good with plot and drawing? Well some are good but they never reach the expertise level of authors of popular mangas.

What do I want or don’t want? I don’t want to fucking look at the girl’s face half the time and her pussy and boobs the other half. Show me some fucking dick, will you? And why won’t the guy blush or moan. It gives me the creeps listening to the girl moaning and blushing and screaming at orgasm. I’m not sexually into girls. Also, please be vocal with what you’re experiencing during sex as a fantasy character. And we can’t see what’s happening in the vagina like your dick is seeing it (ok, sometimes we can). Please express your love to the person you’re making love to, it turns me on. Just be more vocal but not constantly/overly vocal where it seems comical and kills the mood. And why is it that guys seem like they’re so fucking inconsiderate during sexual activity? Please be more considerate. Oh it hurts? I’m sorry (say it like you mean it bastard), bear with it for a bit. Why is it that the girls are so happy about hurting and so happy about swallowing cum and shit? Cum tastes really bad, worse than my pussy (note: sucking on dick is hazardous it can choke you and make you puke making the guy think you’re gross. Eating pussy is easy if you put a little effort). And sex can hurt without proper lubrication (whether it’s natural lubrication or not). Why won’t the guy spend as much time on foreplay on the girl as the girl spends on foreplay on the guy? Furthermore, why don’t they have better tricks up their sleeves when it comes to foreplay on a girl. When it comes to giving blowjobs, there are a shit tone of guides. But when it comes to pussy eating why the fuck do people not know their game?

As a side note, WHY THE FUCK is it that in yaoi there’s always one guy that takes the role of the penetrator and the other the role of a god damn fleshlight? I commend you if as a guy you can cum from just being anally raped. At jack him off or use a fleshlight on the guy you’re fucking. Some nice gesture bitch. Be considerate of your partner. If you wanna feel good on your own just jack yourself off. Go masturbate in a corner. There should at least be some videos/mangas where both partners actually (realistically) feel good. I’m not saying all forms of media should be like that.

One more thing. Why the fuck are all male porn stars bald? WTF? For me, hair is a turn on, and no hair is a turn off. Simple. It’s fine if you’re balding but why is everyone in the porn industry balding? They must be taking some shady stuff that makes all of them bald. And why are they all muscular or (in homemade ones) fat as fuck? What if I’m into skinny puny non muscular guys? Also can’t there be younger (in their 20’s) male porn stars? God damn it.

The porn industry needs to get its shit together. No wonder why not many girls watch porn. (not that it’s a causation). To be honest it comes to a point where reading a freaking porn book (without any graphics) is better because then I can use my imagination to fill in the blanks. Also while we’re at it, the fashion industry needs to get its shit together with male clothing. Can’t you make things that appeal to the masses of males (aka manly) and that is wearable by males at the same time? I’m sure you can if you put your mind to it.

In conclusion, fuck social conventions. They make everyone miserable. Society’s been fucking itself over everyday since the beginning of time. This a bigger topic for perhaps another time.. or never. Too lazy.


Life seemed crystal clear. I was naive. I am a computer science, not a psychology, major. I am Arabian, but not Arabian. I have no religious affiliations, I am not Muslim. I speak and understand Japanese a little, Japanese culture is interesting. My boyfriend is Asian, Chinese American. But most of all I am lazy as fuck.

I don’t have the will to keep on living; life is actually dull. I don’t have the courage to end my life though, so I will keep living for the sake of those who love me at least. I wonder what Chinese, Arabian kids would look like. I don’t like kids.

In this world there are some really interesting people, don’t you think? I do.