I’m slacking off again. I didn’t do my best. I found new distractions: manga, YouTube, stupid cool image editing apps. Back to square 1. I do this before a shit tone of deadlines approach. The quiet before the deadline hurricane. I get a surge of energy because there’s hope I can catch up, I start to work hard for a few hours maybe a day, then I feel relaxed a bit and take a break then proceed to procrastinate from there.
This is the story of my life. I feel depressed. Do I want to change? The world is not worth it. I need some time to come in terms with that. Let’s see if I really won’t make these deadlines. If I really am hopeless.
I am listening to focus music on spotify.. U137 – Varberg I find it relaxing and somewhat.. motivating… Me? Motivated? Wow..
I am so lazy. I procrastinate all the time. Right now I have a surge of energy. I get those every now and then. However, I am 3 weeks behind on school work. Can I actually catch up? I have deadlines that are catching up with me.
I’m only taking 3 classes this time. Last time I took 5.5 classes and dropped one then another. I was way more caught up with my work than I am this time around. I got B’s a C and an A which I didn’t work hard for, my partner did almost all the work 95% of it. He said he wouldn’t have made it with me but I think he was being nice.
My boyfriend left on Thursday to go back to his family and start seriously looking for a job as his parents can be a big motivation for him. I always told him and myself that once he leaves a big distraction will be removed and I’ll work much harder. But can I really? I need to change.
I can’t oversleep. I need to have a set schedule. I can’t skip classes. I need to study everyday and do all my school work. I don’t wanna have regrets anymore. I don’t want to think about all the time and money that I wasted anymore.
I seriously need to get my shit together. No more fooling around. Picking up the slack starting right now. Who knows maybe it is too late. But I don’t wanna live with regrets anymore. This music is really helping. I find that showers help as well. Studying at the library around people who are working hard helps. Making promises to meet with people to study helps since it forces me to study even if I don’t want to as I care about how people perceive me if I break promises or ditch them. Opening the blinds to let the sun light come into my room helps. Or writing posts like this. Forcing myself to do things or follow a rigid schedule without giving myself a chance to think about it helps.
If you’re depressed like me. Try noticing the patterns. What makes your day worse? What makes your day better? Even if by a little. Use these things to your advantage. Avoid the things that make your day worse. If you can’t avoid them then recognize that they make you feel crabby and then focus on the things that make you feel better.
Committing suicide is not bad, do it if you’ve honestly put an effort and can’t live anymore. Honestly, if you’ve put in an effort but things aren’t getting better and you also have the courage to take your life then do it. It’s okay. The world is not all the great anyway. It’s not worth the suffering you’re going through. But who knows what the future might hold so if you have yet to put in a full honest effort.. do it.
Can I make it? I don’t know. But for now I have the energy to try and maybe make it or kind of make it. So for now I’ll do what I can.
Life seemed crystal clear. I was naive. I am a computer science, not a psychology, major. I am Arabian, but not Arabian. I have no religious affiliations, I am not Muslim. I speak and understand Japanese a little, Japanese culture is interesting. My boyfriend is Asian, Chinese American. But most of all I am lazy as fuck.
I don’t have the will to keep on living; life is actually dull. I don’t have the courage to end my life though, so I will keep living for the sake of those who love me at least. I wonder what Chinese, Arabian kids would look like. I don’t like kids.
In this world there are some really interesting people, don’t you think? I do.